1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. – Mark Simmons
2. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back. – Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. – Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. – Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes – Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? – Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it. – Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had – Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. – Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. – Sarah Keyworth
12. I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard – Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply. – Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher – Sophie Duker
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people – Olga Koch
