- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
- I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
- I’ve always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
- This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’
I said ‘No, just a watch.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
